Friday, December 18, 2009

Those Kids on the Street Corner . . . and Then Every Five Feet Afterward

Depending on what city you live in, and if you regularly roam the downtown area of said city, you may have very little experience both interacting with and encountering the individuals I am about to introduce to you.

Seattle, being the liberal city that it is, embraces the 'go green' movement more than any other city I've been in. In addition to this movement, they also embrace the 'support an impoverished country' movement, 'help the kids in under-privileged countries' movement, and the 'here- have a free dog biscuit' movement (no joke). And although these are all noble causes and we all want to give back to the community as much as we want to sponsor those hungry looking children on flyers, we usually like to do it on our own time . . . not while we are running back to the office because we've taken too long on our lunch break.

I have a tendency to avoid these people simply because rather than being kind and approachable, they are rude and obnoxious and shout words at you like, 'do you like killing the Earth?!' And because of this, I have started to pretend that I am on my cell phone when I walk past, just so they WON'T talk to me. I have even begun chattering away when there is absolutely no one on the other line and say important things like, 'well let's just deal with it when I come back to the office,' or 'just run the report and bring it to the meeting on Monday.' I say these things very loudly, while walking with such purpose as to exude an air of not only importance, but also an attitude of unapproachability so that they will keep their distance.

The other day however, I was at a disadvantage. With the Christmas holiday quickly approaching, I was laden with shopping bags, my purse, and Longchamp filled with half of the clothes that I had left at N's house for over a week. It was also raining (duh), and due to my hands and shoulders being absolutely FULL, I could not even manage to hold my umbrella. So not only was I becoming completely drenched, I was also getting very sweaty because I had on my big winter coat and was running (if you could call it that, because let's be honest, we all look retarded when we try to run in heels) to the restaraunt at which my roommate and I were to have our lovely Christmas date . . .

And then I saw him . . . The green peace-looking boy with a page-boy hat holding a binder (WARNING: they ALWAYS have binders . . . and more often than not, page-boy hats. I think you can only be a green peace person if you wear one?). And I had no escape! My only hope was to look away and pretend that I was really busy looking in the window of Ann Taylor. I heard green peace boy yell hello and pretended not to hear (you can call me a bitch, but whatever. Even if i wanted to sign up for his stupid tree-saving cause, I wouldn't be able to because my hands were full!) Then I see a hand extend toward me and I thought 'oh great, now I have to look at him and give him the really apologetic-I'm-in-a-rush face.' Sure enough, he decides to be a dick about it because when I looked at him he says, 'Hi . . . you know, I'm a human . . . You're a human . . . the correct response would be 'hi, yeah, let's talk for a bit.' Ummmmmmmmm . . . are you fucking kidding me?!?! I blankly stared at him for about 30 seconds before I could come up with a response deemed appropriate for a statement such as this. I had nothing . . . so I did the aforementioned apologetic face and ran away. Looking back, I should have said something like, 'actually I'm an avatar,' and just walked away. haha! His face would have been priceless . . . except, I guess you never know with those kinds of people, he could have very well been a total nerdling and responded to me in some avatar-based language that would have made me puke.

Nevertheless, it is a story to be told and I am warning you now to avoid these people. Use the cell phone tactic or the I'm-really-interested-in-something face. They'll usually pick someone else to bother. Also, I should end this by saying, I like to support the economy, homeless, and underprivileged. I'd just rather not be judged for choosing to not stand in the pouring rain with sweat dripping down my face as all my friends Christmas presents become soggy.

Happy Holidays! :)

Thursday, December 10, 2009

F*ing Eight Five

Most of you are well aware of my open hatred for the football player known as Eight Five, due to the fact that at the mention of his name or face on the screen, I openly spit his name and rant for about 5 minutes about what a douche he is. I would seriously consider him one of the top five 'Banes of My Existence.' I call him Eight Five because he is the biggest fucking idiot on the face of the planet. He did not even possess the right of mind to check if 'Ocho Cinco' really meant eighty-five in Spanish. So instead he took it absolutely literally and named himself Eight Five. I could seriously go on and on about this bastard but am going to refrain from doing so given that the author of this article did it for me. Not only that, he did a phenomenal job and put into words what a joke Eight Five actually is.,207862

Next time you better watch your t.v. kids, because I might actually throw my 5-inch pump at it, if 'Hachi Go' appears on the screen . . .

I have to go scream my head off now . . .