Friday, September 24, 2010

I Don't Believe in Yoga

Because it is slow, boring, and ridiculously dark inside the room. Not to mention that most people who partake in yoga are pretentious bitches who walk around with their stupid mats and what is supposedly their super-slimming, icky looking drink of wheat grass and whey protein with a look on their face that says, "I don't have to walk around the gym with shoes on because I'm on my way to do yoooooooooooga (pronounce as though Stewie from 'Family Guy' is saying it)." Believe me, I'm a fan of staying in shape, however what I am NOT a fan of is a lady standing at the front of the room who is not nearly in as good of shape as she should be, telling me to morph myself into a hideously painful looking position, all the while trying to remain on one foot. I absolutely CANNOT take instruction from someone who claims to be an avid gym-goer but does not convey such in body shape. There was once a girl on my dance team in college who was on the heavier side (yeah, yeah props to her for joining, blah . . blah . . blah) and thought she was the shit (which is why I am allowed to hate and bitch about her). She actually LEAD us in sit-ups multiple times in practice and I refused to follow her instruction. Her mid-section was total flab. WHY in God's name would I want to do what you're doing if you fricken look like THAT?! No thank you. So I did my own sit-ups. MY WAY.

Anyway, actual yoga go-ers are people that mix this form of strengthening with lifting, cardio, and weight training. However, I think the vast majority of people who go to yoga consist of individuals that are too lazy to get their ass in gear for 30 minutes on the eliptical and instead are convinced that lunging in one position for a good two minutes will conceivably burn just as many calories. Not true people. If you really want to lose weight and tone up, follow yoga up with weights and cardio- then you'll stop wondering why the F your body still looks like crap. Also- I bet you Tyra Banks does yoga. And Tyra is in my 'Top Five List of People I Absolutely Hate.' So there again is another justification of why yoga is stupid.

P.S. For those who have read the 'Dear Little Gay Asian Man' post in the past, he DOES still go to my gym and just yesterday was doing a headstand in little orange shorts when I walked into the stretching room. BARF.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

I Know We're Pretty, but Don't Hit on Us. Please.

Last week, two of my best girlfriends and I went to our usual happy hour at one of our not-so-usual spots . . . which is totally fine because the place we went is not only phenomenal, but they had $3 glasses of wine (and who doesn't love that?!)

Anyway, after much fawning over one another and stuffing our faces with too many appetizers (during which time my mouth caught on FIRE due to crazy-hot hot sauce that was poured all over the lobster and crab nachos), we ran into a long-lost male friend of ours who we had not seen in quite sometime. It was wonderful to catch up with him and we urged him to have a party at his house so that "we can come and bring food and stuff." (yeah right- the only food I'm bringing is the limes for Tanqueray and Tonics). Anyway, our friend went back to his table and the girls continued to talk too loud and laugh too hard.

All of a sudden, like magic- 3 new glasses of wine appeared before our very eyes! The waitress said- "the gentleman over there wanted me to deliver these to you." And we smiled and tried to find our male friend who had OBVIOUSLY been the one to send the drinks over. However, immediately once the waitress left, a middle-aged man-boy (he might have been late 20's but if he was, he didn't do much to make himself look so, he had a pudge and what looked to be a mini comb-over going on)   approached us from behind and said, "So, how are you girls enjoying the drinks I got you?" My friend replies, "Actually, we know you didn't purchase these for us- because our friend over there did." Then man-boy says, "Well shouldn't I get props for at least coming over?" In my head I am thinking: Um no, you should NOT receive props for coming over as you most definitely just interrupted what was supposed to be an All-Girls-Happy-Hour, during which time none of us would like to be hit on because we all have serious boyfriends who don't have pudges or come-overs. Don't worry- I didn't say such a thing to him, however the worst part was that he continued to stand there- staring at us (sometimes not saying a single word), while awkwardly listening to our conversation. He was one of those people that forces himself into social situations where he is not wanted, and although it is painfully awkward to begin with- said individual continues to make it WORSE by not being witty or talkative and therefore creates a weird situation for all. We should not be forced to make up for your inept social skills while YOU were the one to make the indecent choice to come over and unsuccessfully hit on us while claiming purchase of another man's drinks. It is rude, inappropriate, and unwanted to impose yourself on three ladies who are just looking to have a good time with their girlfriends. What is worse is that apparently the guy was with a few co-workers who assured our waitress that, "Don't worry- Jim is great with girls." Ummmm . . . on what planet?!

NEWS FLASH WEIRDO: I know we're pretty, but don't hit on us. Please.

Just to let you know . . .

The bus driver totally didn't see me walking up to his vehicle this morning and when my body was halfway through the entrance, the idiot closed the f*ing doors on me. I made it on the bus though, and the driver apologized. But I was still pissed off because it was rainy and cold . . . and my body hurt a little bit from having heavy electronic doors shut on it. I wish I was still in bed!