Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Moving on Up and Out!

The view from iconic 1419

Sadly, my time at 1419 has come to a close :( For 2.5 years I have lived with my best friend/roommate who has left me for the Peace Corps and a Vanuatan beach. I am completely thrilled for her and miss her immensely. I know she will have a fantastic time and come back with amazing stories and a fabulous tan! As a result, the apartment-hunting has begun for me and I have been searching high and higher for a 1-bedroom apartment that will fit both myself and my wardrobe. Through various ups and downs I have finally found a place that is both convenient and adorable. However, before I get into the quaintness that is my new apartment- I would like to share the HELLS of apartment searching on your own:

1. When there is an advertisement outside of said establishment that is 'Now Renting', it does not imply that the Leasing Office is open. Nor does it mean that the office is open as the sign indicates. The sign is lying to you if it says that the office hours are from 10-4/5 on either Saturday or Sunday. If you are like me- and patiently wait outside an establishment in an attempt to get into the leasing office, you will be disappointed. Your detective and wonder-woman-like ways to finally get into the building will be foiled when you see the sign 'Closed' on the leasing office door.

2. If a burnt-out, toked-up teenager appears to have answered the phone in a Leasing Office, I have taken it to mean that his father is somehow trying to manage an apartment complex while also holding down a normal job. This would be an honorable thing to do, however, when you neglect your duties as a Leasing Manager and allow your stupid son to tell a potential resident that "ummm . . . .like . . . . yeah . . . . i dont know . . . we may have something opening up . . . . . i dont know," I'm not sure you're suited to be in said position. I had this conversation recently with such an individual:

Me: Hi, my name is Elise and I recently inquired about a 1-bedroom apartment that you have available. I was wondering if there would be an opportunity for me to come see it today?

Toked Teen: Oh . . . hi. Yeah, umm you'll have to check with the manager.

Me: Okay. Is the manager available?

Toked Teen: Oh . . . . no, he's at work. I can have him call you back.

Me: Okay well I called last week actually and I believe I spoke to you, and you said you would have the manager call me back and he never did. So I had to call again to speak to him, and he said he would be available to show me a 1-bedroom this past weekend, however I kept calling and knocked on the leasing office door and no one answered. I was pretty disappointed.

Toked Teen: Oh, yeah . . . umm I think that one has been rented.

Me: Well do you have any other 1-bedrooms becoming available?

Toked Teen: Ummm yeah . . . I think so . . . hold on. (shuffle, shuffle, shuffle) Yeah, um we have some becoming available at the end of the month.

Me: Oh, so you mean in like 3 days? (in my head I am thinking 'What a dumbshit!')

Toked Teen: Ummm yeah.

Me: Okay well do you know the price points on those?

Toked Teen: No, umm I mean, you'll have to talk to the manager.

Me: Okay, well LAST time you said the manager would call me back, he never did, so you're saying it might be better for ME to call him back, correct?

Toked Teen: Oh umm yeah.

Me: Okay fine. (I hang up)

WTF people?!?! Are you serious?! Are you actually allowing your children to answer your business calls who contain as much professionalism as a mouse?! Ugh, I was so peeved that I never called back.

3. Have you seen the show Hoarders on A&E? One leasing manager apparently thought it appropriate to show me a potential apartment that looked like a mini-version of the houses you see on that show. There was shit EVERYWHERE. No joke. In the bathtub, the sink, the cupboards. And it smelled like mothballs. GROSS. I had to keep myself from gagging. I was tip-toeing over everything and trying to see the nonexistent floorplan somewhere beneath the surface. But alas, it was basically impossible. In her attempt to show me the 'floorplan' she had exposed me to one of the nastiest rooms I had ever been in. Why would she even THINK it was okay to show me this?! Who would want to live in such a despicable place?! NO THANK YOU.

Nevertheless, I found an amazing place just north of downtown (5 minute walk to work . . Wheee!) and about a 5 second hop, skip, and jump away from the boyfriend :) We can each stand on our own balconies and wave at each other from across the street. Its perf! Aside from the fact that it is lacking in Elise closet space and I may turn into Carrie Bradshaw by putting my shoes in my kitchen cabinets . . . . Oh well!

Here's to the move!

Friday, September 24, 2010

I Don't Believe in Yoga

Because it is slow, boring, and ridiculously dark inside the room. Not to mention that most people who partake in yoga are pretentious bitches who walk around with their stupid mats and what is supposedly their super-slimming, icky looking drink of wheat grass and whey protein with a look on their face that says, "I don't have to walk around the gym with shoes on because I'm on my way to do yoooooooooooga (pronounce as though Stewie from 'Family Guy' is saying it)." Believe me, I'm a fan of staying in shape, however what I am NOT a fan of is a lady standing at the front of the room who is not nearly in as good of shape as she should be, telling me to morph myself into a hideously painful looking position, all the while trying to remain on one foot. I absolutely CANNOT take instruction from someone who claims to be an avid gym-goer but does not convey such in body shape. There was once a girl on my dance team in college who was on the heavier side (yeah, yeah props to her for joining, blah . . blah . . blah) and thought she was the shit (which is why I am allowed to hate and bitch about her). She actually LEAD us in sit-ups multiple times in practice and I refused to follow her instruction. Her mid-section was total flab. WHY in God's name would I want to do what you're doing if you fricken look like THAT?! No thank you. So I did my own sit-ups. MY WAY.

Anyway, actual yoga go-ers are people that mix this form of strengthening with lifting, cardio, and weight training. However, I think the vast majority of people who go to yoga consist of individuals that are too lazy to get their ass in gear for 30 minutes on the eliptical and instead are convinced that lunging in one position for a good two minutes will conceivably burn just as many calories. Not true people. If you really want to lose weight and tone up, follow yoga up with weights and cardio- then you'll stop wondering why the F your body still looks like crap. Also- I bet you Tyra Banks does yoga. And Tyra is in my 'Top Five List of People I Absolutely Hate.' So there again is another justification of why yoga is stupid.

P.S. For those who have read the 'Dear Little Gay Asian Man' post in the past, he DOES still go to my gym and just yesterday was doing a headstand in little orange shorts when I walked into the stretching room. BARF.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

I Know We're Pretty, but Don't Hit on Us. Please.

Last week, two of my best girlfriends and I went to our usual happy hour at one of our not-so-usual spots . . . which is totally fine because the place we went is not only phenomenal, but they had $3 glasses of wine (and who doesn't love that?!)

Anyway, after much fawning over one another and stuffing our faces with too many appetizers (during which time my mouth caught on FIRE due to crazy-hot hot sauce that was poured all over the lobster and crab nachos), we ran into a long-lost male friend of ours who we had not seen in quite sometime. It was wonderful to catch up with him and we urged him to have a party at his house so that "we can come and bring food and stuff." (yeah right- the only food I'm bringing is the limes for Tanqueray and Tonics). Anyway, our friend went back to his table and the girls continued to talk too loud and laugh too hard.

All of a sudden, like magic- 3 new glasses of wine appeared before our very eyes! The waitress said- "the gentleman over there wanted me to deliver these to you." And we smiled and tried to find our male friend who had OBVIOUSLY been the one to send the drinks over. However, immediately once the waitress left, a middle-aged man-boy (he might have been late 20's but if he was, he didn't do much to make himself look so, he had a pudge and what looked to be a mini comb-over going on)   approached us from behind and said, "So, how are you girls enjoying the drinks I got you?" My friend replies, "Actually, we know you didn't purchase these for us- because our friend over there did." Then man-boy says, "Well shouldn't I get props for at least coming over?" In my head I am thinking: Um no, you should NOT receive props for coming over as you most definitely just interrupted what was supposed to be an All-Girls-Happy-Hour, during which time none of us would like to be hit on because we all have serious boyfriends who don't have pudges or come-overs. Don't worry- I didn't say such a thing to him, however the worst part was that he continued to stand there- staring at us (sometimes not saying a single word), while awkwardly listening to our conversation. He was one of those people that forces himself into social situations where he is not wanted, and although it is painfully awkward to begin with- said individual continues to make it WORSE by not being witty or talkative and therefore creates a weird situation for all. We should not be forced to make up for your inept social skills while YOU were the one to make the indecent choice to come over and unsuccessfully hit on us while claiming purchase of another man's drinks. It is rude, inappropriate, and unwanted to impose yourself on three ladies who are just looking to have a good time with their girlfriends. What is worse is that apparently the guy was with a few co-workers who assured our waitress that, "Don't worry- Jim is great with girls." Ummmm . . . on what planet?!

NEWS FLASH WEIRDO: I know we're pretty, but don't hit on us. Please.

Just to let you know . . .

The bus driver totally didn't see me walking up to his vehicle this morning and when my body was halfway through the entrance, the idiot closed the f*ing doors on me. I made it on the bus though, and the driver apologized. But I was still pissed off because it was rainy and cold . . . and my body hurt a little bit from having heavy electronic doors shut on it. I wish I was still in bed!

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Apologies . . . and then the 'Bus Post'

Dear lovely readers who probably don't exist:

I apologize for having not written in quite literally almost 8 months. Life, as you know, is always insane for me and I have been juggling alot lately. However, I would like to get back on board as the rainy fall season is approaching and I will inevitably be spending more time cuddled up on the couch with coffee, computer, and t.v. remote in hand than I will be playing outside as I have been the last couple months. An incident occurred the other day which deserves to be told, especially in conjunction with other stories I have neglected to relate to you.

Many of you are probably not aware that until the age of 18 I had never taken public transportation . . . EVER. As a result, it terrified me and I found it gross, smelly, and weird. This is obviously due to the fact that I grew up in a mountainous suburb of Los Angeles, CA and was always driven to school. And then I drove myself when I received 'Jade' for my 16th birthday (a beautiful brand-spankin' new silver-grey colored Jetta which Daddy Biggs got big props for in purchasing for me). ANYWAY. My Ama (grandma to you laypeople) will consistently tell people the story of when she took me to New York for my graduation present at the age of 18, and when we had to use the subway, I made an awful face of disgust (most of you know I am quite good at making those) when I was forced to touch the poles onto which people hold as to not fall over on the fast-moving underground train. Long story short, in my transition to the beautiful Northwest, I have inevitably gotten on the 'green train' and have been using public transportation for almost 2 1/2 years (cue applause please). HOWEVER, there are particular things about the bus that just always make me cringe:

1. screaming babies: there was one on my bus the other day and i wanted to jump through the window- no joke. the only thing i can say about babies is . . . they are loud. don't bring them. (they also take up entirely too much space. is it necessary to give your child 2 seats worth of space in which to roam while the rest of us stand laden with purses, gym bags, and lunch bags? i think not. move the little thing onto your lap.)

2. the lurch-to-a-stop-then-put-pedal-to-the-metal-driver: this type of driver TOTALLY AND COMPLETEY SUCKS! if you are standing- be prepared to brace yourself so you don't fly out the massive glass window that serves as a windshield. These types of drivers have no consideration for the individuals who are standing/flailing all over the place. We know you probably hate your job, but please don't take it out on us by threatening our lives- we hate riding the bus just as much as you hate driving it.

3. the excuse me, excuse me, excuse me passenger: this person ALSO sucks. Almost more than the driver described above. This person is in such fear that the bus driver will not let him/her off at their desired stop, that he/she will begin pushing through the massive crowd that is standing in the middle of the bus, while it is en route, so that they are assured to get off. NOTE TO IDIOT PASSENGER: we that are standing have nowhere to move in order to let you through! I am quite positive that the bus driver neglects to pull away from the curb until all passengers get off. I have actually turned around to a person who has said 'excuse me' to me in this situation and said, "I have nowhere else to go. You will need to wait to get through until we have pulled up to the stop and other passengers have gotten off." Let me tell you- THAT shuts people up.

I am sorry if I come across as impatient or rude, however when you are on a large vehicle with so many other people EARLY in the morning, no one wants to deal with any of the situations described above.

Happy Travels!