Wednesday, April 6, 2011

A Farewell Letter

The following is a 'farewell letter' of sorts, containing all the things I would sincerely love to say to my current gym upon discontinuing their services as my sole workout provider . . .

Dear VQ,

As a precursor to finally ending my relationship with you, I thought you deserved to know the real reasons I am choosing to leave you and never look back without shedding one tear. Truth be told, you know this has been a long time coming. And that the only REAL reason I even choose to employ your services is because my boyfriend signed a two-year contract with your sorry ass, and we are now both waiting for it to be up so we can move on to bigger, better, and cleaner things. But I digress . . .

Despite the fact that your establishment is indeed where my boyfriend and I first met, and our relationship has remained successful and loving, our relationship with you clearly has not. When you first swooped in and took my beloved Xplore Fitness away, crushing them with your almighty conglomorate and corporate chain power, I was disappointed. However, I thought I would give you a chance since sometimes I choose to be nice, and hey- maybe you caught me on a good day . . . maybe the sun was actually shining in Seattle. I was naive to think that all gyms conducted themselves the same, and that there was no more to a workout facility than eliptical machines and fresh towels. You truly take the cake when it comes to being the WORST. GYM. EVER.

I only whined a little when you dropped monthly membership fees so low, that you attracted the entire homeless population of downtown Seattle and then some, to attend your facility. I attempted to hide my disgust when I received an un-wanted whiff of someone who was so obviously NOT wearing deoderant while bench pressing free weights. I subtley tried to cover my ears upon hearing the "encouraging" screams of your new trainers attempting to "pump up" their oh-so-suffering clients. I was grateful to have been blessed with quick reflexes while dodging the giant sumo tires being pushed around by various gym-goers all throughout the floor. I ducked and weaved when faced with some idiot who chose to display their jump roping skills dead center, in the middle of the workout floor. I was starting to get angry. Really.

And here comes the kicker . . . the day when I walked in and was told that you would no longer be providing members with shower towels unless they were really going to shower after working out. Seriously? WHAT THE FUCK AM I PAYING FOR? Am I paying $30 per month so some asshole can leave their 45lb stacking weights in the middle of the gym so I can trip over them? Am I paying to use machines that are so beyond needing maintenance that they provide no resistance at all while in use? Am I paying to use your totally nasty cut-up trashy "washcloth" towels that provide about as much coverage as a napkin instead of an actual shower towel to sweat all over?! NO. The answer is NO. I am paying you to provide me with a clean workout space, a fresh towel, a relatively stress-free environment. VQ, you have completely FAILED.

Furthermore, if I have to encounter one more of your pushy salesmen while on my walk to the gym, I will undoubtedly punch him in the face. At 5:15 p.m. after a long day's work, no one wants to be solicited to. Even me, who is on their way TO your establishment. I cannot stress to you enough how much I now loathe going to the gym. I used to look forward to it and now I simply fear getting smacked in the face with a jump rope, stubbing my toe on a free weight, and/or having to smell someone else's sweat the entire time. And don't even get me started on the locker room situation . . . I've already ranted and raved in a previous post about THAT ordeal. FYI: only 3 of the sinks in the women's locker room work, the foamy shit that you call "soap" and put in the soap dispensers is nothing more than scented air, and the paper towels are the equivalent of sandpaper. 

In conclusion, and for lack of a better term, i simply HATE you and all you have to offer. A new member recently asked me what I thought of you, and I more or less explained to her what I have just stated above. I will be leaving you soon and taking my money and personal cleanliness elsewhere. 

A VQ Hater

Happy Hunp Day all!


  1. oohhhh ! the hardest letter have seen since morning.... Thanks for your great share. Thinking not to leave your blog so soon :D.. Accept me to be your follower :)

    Farewell letters

  2. Dear R- thanks for reading! You can follow the blog simply by clicking on the 'follow' tab to the right of my posts :) Happy reading!